Cat and Dog Diaries

A friend of mine sent me the following email, which I’d seen before, but not for a few years. You may have seen it, the one about what a dog would write in his diary vs what a cat would write:

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now…

Which is amusing, but it struck me that Gun-Hee’s journal would be more like the dog’s diary than the cat’s. Here’s how Gun-Hee’s diary would read:

7:00 am – Mom’s awake! My favorite thing! I purred.
7:20 am – Helped mom get ready for work by sticking paws in running water and knocking pills off the countertop. My favorite thing! I purred.
7:25 am – Mom shut the bathroom door with me on the wrong side, so I jumped on Tessie’s head.
7:45 am – Mom turned on the coffee for Dad. I watched it.
8:05 am – Mom left for work. I cried at the door and then jumped on Tessie’s head.
8:30 am – Dad’s awake! My favorite thing! I purred.
9:20 am – Dad left for work. I cried at the door and then jumped on Tessie’s head.
10:30 am – Napped on sofa
12:00 pm – Napped on heated bed
1:00 pm – Let Tessie groom me. Jumped on her head.
2:00 pm – Sat on top of Patrick and bit him til he let me have the heated bed.
3:00 pm – Ambushed Kylie coming out of the litter box.
4:00 pm – Used litter box. Kylie ambushed me coming out. I hissed at her.
4:30 pm – Jumped on Tessie’s head.
5:30 pm – Mom’s home! My favorite thing! I purred.
6:30 pm – Supervised mom cleaning litter box. Used each one as soon as it was clean as quality control. I purred.
7:00 pm – Meat paste! My favorite thing! I purred.
7:30 pm – Dad’s home! My favorite thing! I purred.
8:00 pm – Watched baseball with mom and dad! Helped the little men on the screen chase the ball. My favorite thing! I purred.
8:30 pm – Sat on Patrick and bit him til he let me sit on the sofa between mom and dad.
9:00 pm – Helped dad make dinner. He put me in my house. My favorite thing! I purred.
10:00 pm – Mom and dad threw toys for me! My favorite thing! I purred.
10:30 pm – Sat on Patrick and bit him til he gave me the heated bed.
10:40 pm – Went to go sleep on fleece bed under chair.
11:00 pm – Jumped on Tessie’s head.
12:00 am – Mom and dad go to bed. I pretend to sleep until they fall asleep and then I sat on Patrick and bit him til he got off the bed and went on the heated bed. I purred.
2:00 am – Puttered around kitchen counters and knocked stuff over.
4:00 am – Woke up and was bored and alone. Jumped on Tessie’s head while she was sleeping between mom and dad and woke everyone up so they would play with me! My favorite thing!